I’m wondering.

I know that teaching is my calling. I’ve known it for a long time. And when I’m in the classroom, I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be. But the thing is, I have to give up so much for it. The planning, the grading, and the time it takes to be in the classroom and make those commitments and be the best I can for those kids comes at a price. 

I’m so used to having a lot of time with Lucas and Jordan. We used to have our weekdays together, and sometimes some weekends. But now that I’m teaching, I find that I have to pour so much energy into it that I don’t have any left for my family when I come home. I usually pass out when I come home. I also have to grade and plan a lot, which takes hours of my time. I have to go to bed early, too, which cuts down on my time with Jordan in the evening. I hate it. I hate not being able to spend as much time with my family as I’m used to. It’s depressing me a lot, I think, and it’s making me doubt my chosen profession. It’s a difficult and disappointing thing to realize that the thing you’ve been working so hard toward is costing you so much. It’s mentally draining. Like right now, it’s almost midnight and I know I should be in bed. I have to be up in like six hours, but I can’t make myself do it.


I can only hope it’ll get easier as time goes on.



Chin up, and we’ll drown a little slower.

So today I began student teaching. Well, not with students, but we had a professional meeting day. It started out at the big high school where all the district’s teachers met for an awards and welcome ceremony. It was cool to see the administration and get to know people by name and why they are important. There were some really good speeches, too.
After that we went back to the middle school where my mentor teacher and I started to hang posters and decorate. I successfully used the copy machine and the letter puncher! I know those aren’t huge achievements, but since I was in a new place it was nice to be able to do those things right.
After that we all went out to Jimmy John’s for lunch. It was really good, and it was nice to feel included in the ELA clique. There are a lot of young teachers, which makes me feel better about it because it means that (hopefully) we can relate to one another more. After lunch we went back to the room to finish our preparations, then to a long meeting that lasted an hour and a half. It was pretty informative, though, and it made me feel like I was part of the team.
When it comes to this whole teaching thing, I’m always looking for signs that show me that I’m on the right path. Today was a good day, and all signs point to yes so far. I’m just hoping that it stays that way. I already love my mentor teacher, and I feel like she and I are going to get along wonderfully. I really just want to do well. She’s already been talking about letting me teach on my own, so I think that she’s getting more comfortable with me as well.

Here’s to a great semester ahead! 🙂

Won’t be pathetic forever.

I just shed some tears reading about the victims of the Colorado massacre. I can’t fathom why someone would do such a horrible thing. So many people were robbed of their lives just because they were excited to see a movie. One man took a bullet for his girlfriend and passed away. A six year old girl and her mother lost their lives. I’m just hoping that this man realizes what he did and regrets it. God be with those families, including his. I can’t imagine going through anything like that. “An empty chair at all the tables. And I’ll be seeing you when all my days boil down. For now we’ll say good bye. We know it’s not the last time. I lost the best part of my day. This is the last thing I will remember. But it’s better where you’re going anyway.”

Anyway, on another note, today was my last day at Target. Well, not my LAST day. I’m taking a leave of absence, so if I have to pick up a shift here and there I can, and I can also work over the holidays when more money will definitely be needed. It was weird though, because it felt like the last time I would be working there. I definitely will be coming in a lot to shop and whatnot, but there’s something inside of me that says that I will probably not be back. I’m hoping that means that I will find a job before I graduate, but we’ll see.

I know this is going to sound cheesy, but Target really has meant a lot to me. It feels like home to me, you know? I’ve been there so long, and I know that I’m meant to move on, but it’s like saying good bye to your home town. Leaving Columbus was really, really difficult at first, but I soon realized that my place was here, in Indianapolis. I wouldn’t have belonged in Columbus. I feel the same way about Target. I learned so much there. I made a ton of friends, I bonded with guests, bosses, colleagues, and I’ve been blessed to have those experiences. Shit man, I had my heart broken for the first time by a guy I met working there. Then, six years later I became friends with his ex-girlfriend. I grew up so much while I was there. It’s going to be really hard to not clock in and out, or sit in the break room and have random conversations with people, or sigh deeply in appreciation of the quiet peacefulness that I found in the backroom at the end of the night, or cut another pizza, or connect with another guest through a mutual interest, or answer the phone and say, “Thank you for calling Southport Super Target, can I help you find something?”, or to hear the employee entrance buzz, or to walk out into a peaceful night after a chaotic work day feeling like I just survived a war zone. I think what I’m going to miss the most is the bond that I shared with people. Coming through together at the end of a really difficult day knowing that you leaned on each other and you made it through because they were there for you and you were there for them is a feeling I just can’t explain. Because the job we do is more than just a job in so many ways. I think just about every single person that I work with takes pride in their job on some level, and that means that they give it the very best they can. It’s rare to find that, and it makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to be a better worker, a better friend, and a better human being because you have to learn to rise above the shit that the general public slings at you. And that’s what I love about it. That’s what I’ll miss. More than anything.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m nervous about it because there’s more at stake now. My future, my job, my accomplishments and failures directly affect the two most important people in the world to me. It’s scary to leave that comfortable cocoon that I have known for so long, but I know that it’s time to realize my goal. In roughly one week, I get to take my first step into a classroom that I will have some measurable amount of control over, and I’ll find out if I can, in fact, do this thing that I have wanted to do for so long. That I’m meant to do. And failure is not an option. But I know I can face it all because I have all the lessons that I learned from Target to help me get through it. Change is scary, but I’m getting ready to go forth and make some bigger waves. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish that all my favorite team members were going to be there with me. 🙂

I wanted to watch Dawson’s Creek, but instead I decided to surf the web and write while I listen to my iTunes of shuffle.

I’m pretty stoked on The Hobbit! I’m also stoked on student teaching and quitting my job.

We found a few houses we liked today, hung out with three of our friends, and I got my background check done. I also paid two bills. So all in all, it was a pretty productive Thursday. Tomorrow, though, won’t be as wonderful. I have to close in the fitting room tomorrow, Saturday, and then open it on Sunday. So that really, really sucks. But on the bright side, I only have about six days left until I get to say goodbye to Target for a few months (and hopefully forever, but we have to see how the job hunt goes).

On another note, I’m so happy to have Jordan. I know that he loves me and I’m not ashamed to be myself around him. He loves me despite my faults and weird quirks. He makes every day fun. I’m lucky.

Going to bed happy again. Good night 🙂



Isn’t he just so awesome? Jordan and I have been watching a lot of Doctor Who, and I’ve kind of developed this little crush on David Tennant. Such nerdy charm.

Anyway, Jordan and I are also heavily into the house hunt. We’re hoping to find something very soon. There are a few homes we like, but nothing that I think has wowed us yet. We’re looking at a bunch more tomorrow, so I hope we find one that we like.

I met my mentor teacher yesterday and that went pretty well. She seems very laid back and is open to changing things up. She liked to teach in a variety of styles so I think this will work out great. I’m relieved and excited about this experience. I hope she and I will become close friends after this is over. We are similar in a lot of ways.

Pretty stoked on life at the moment. Can’t wait to start teaching and FINALLY start my profession.

You know what I just discovered about myself.

Here lately I’ve been an unending supply of optimism. Even when I’m overwhelmed or trying to look at things realistically, I’m trying to see the light at the end of it all. And I realized this while listening to a particularly sad song by The Wonder Years. I can think of a time when I could relate to it, but I can’t relate to it now. Maybe that’s why my best friend and I don’t talk as much as we used to anymore. I can’t relate to her loneliness or depression. Not anymore. I’ve got just about everything I could want right now and things are just coming together. Also…I’m finally at peace with how my life has changed and where it’s going.


I mean, shit. Just look at my waistline. Fat and happy.

Everything is going to be OK.

So I changed things up a little bit. I renamed the blog to be a little less contrived and annoying. Plus it’s inspired by a new band I’ve been listening to a lot called Wonder Years.

What did I do today? I joked around at work. I worked my ass off (well, not as hard as I could’ve, but I’ll be damned if I slack my last few weeks). And I came home and made dinner for my family. Then I put Lucas to bed, watched True Blood and Torchwood and Dawson’s Creek. What a mix, right?

I miss my husband when he works. I think he and I need to spend as much time together as we can before I start student teaching, because when I do, we’ll never have a day off together. I will miss him so much. Really, I will.

I’ve been thinking about getting my eyebrows threaded sometime soon. We’re also looking at houses this week. I’m meeting my mentor teacher on Tuesday evening at a Starbucks to discuss the upcoming year and am also agonizing a little over what I will wear. First impressions are important, right? I want to make a good one.

Hey! Do me a favor. If you read this, please leave a comment? Just so I know you’re there?

I’m so tired now. I need to sleep. I know my posts don’t have much in them, but I’m planning on releasing a short story bit by bit, kind of like a weekly series. I just need to get a copyright for it first.

Good night!